As you send your children to school it's comparable to sending them off to a pack of snarling, hungry wolves. These wolves are searching and sniffing our schools and neighborhoods for the slightest sign of weakness, the faintest scent of blood. Once your child has been identified as prey, the pack uses physical and psychological attacks to toy with your child before devouring his or her self esteem and sense of self worth. So many of your children's minds spasm with fear; is there truly any chance that he or she can develop healthily and focus on education.
In the news, right beside reports about Al Qaeda, terrorist attacks and the latest war casualties we find bullies – nameless, faceless adolescents who are harassing and menacing our children. This young adult outsmarts the school staff, security, and local authorities as they continuously violate and terrorize our children without punishment. As parents we are paralyzed with a feeling of helplessness; the solution to the bully problem evades us. We are all victims – children, parents, and teachers. Is there truly any resolution to this social glitch?
We could only hope that the government could better assist this situation. My personal faith in the government does not exactly carry over into this matter. Isn't bullying a rite of passage in so many political campaigns? Notice how often our city, state, and federal political figures and candidates slander and speak lowly of the opposing party and its representatives. To them bullying is a game with psychological, financial, and other substantial rewards. Isn't asking these people to assist us in stopping bullying an oxymoron? To many corporations, bullying is a necessary in order to be successful in a capitalist society; in order to be called the greatest country in the world there must be some bullying, right? The irony of it all is that the bully harassing our family is a capitalist. The economist Milton Friedman once said, "History suggests that capitalism is a necessary condition for political freedom." What does it truly mean to capitalize? It doesn't (necessarily) mean bullying.
So where does that leave us? How can we better protect our families from being victimized by bullies? If there were some way for the government to better police our schools, would this really get at the source of the problem? Would this prevent our children from being bullied and demeaned later on in their lives by society or their colleagues and bosses within the workplace? As we grow older we still run into situations that can lower our sense of self worth if we allow them to. Though we are all adults the results can still be the same – dwindled self esteem, anxiety issues, and depression.
We must not allow our children to be so easily victimized. Being bullied is perhaps not as much a 'problem' as the result of a sense of worthlessness or depression. I believe Americans are generally privileged; we take for granted things that others are not as fortunate to have like clean drinking water, large amounts of food, and toilets. I believe that as a result, our concept of survival and resilience has been greatly distorted. We must begin creating within our children a mental resilience, a high sense of self-worth, and a long forgotten concept that the underdog wins
(i.e. the tortoise and the hare). Review with your children all of the concepts that worked for us in our youth but we no longer embrace as a society; kill them with kindness, turn the other cheek, love conquers all, everyone is special in their own way, everything happens for a reason. Though in today's society these concepts seem obsolete, they build resilience and a strong sense of self worth.
Let's fight against bullying in every sense of the word by strengthening our minds and the minds of our children. Let's build a community strong enough to with stand the attacks of those that wish to capitalize at our expense. We have always had the chance to make a difference; stop being helpless and step up to the plate.
I hadn't thought about bullying in this way...that our way of life practically encourages it. I'm with you. Let's teach our kids self-worth AND to respect others. We hear a lot about the entitlement mentality of today's youth, and what that looks like in the work place. People think we've encouraged kids too much, with a trophy just for showing up. But I think we missed some key lessons. And what kills me is that this should be so easy to teach, by example, if we are kind and respectful to each other. But there are so many who hurt (e,g,, bullies who lash out because someone hurt them) and don't know how to be respected or respectful. I'm stepping up to the plate with you, and trying to teach my teen daughter the same. Thanks for a well written post on this subject.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this, it is very true. I think we need to also look within our homes and communities at the language and jokes we find acceptable. So much is at the expense of young trans men and especially trans women. We also laugh at jokes about people that are overweight, differently abled, etcetera. Better education about gender and the myriad ways it is expressed is so important. As well as how we are educating our children on sexual orientation, and accepting those who may look, behave, love, or think differently than us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sue Maden and building bridges seeking zen for your support. Thanks to everyone that has followed me or this blog on twitter; sweet teens like Joann Lebron from Puerto Rico, to Malcom Lewis at UT Arlington, to Una in Indonesia. We are now creating a voice. Not my voice - our voice. We will be heard. Continue to spread word of this blog to your friends. The more of us, the louder our voice. This is Escaping The Box: Prying your mind from the grips of comformity and exploring your limitless potential.
ReplyDelete@Building - I love your response because I think it is so true. We need to teach our children to be better people, and it needs to start at home. It is such a shame to look at how many people are negatively affected by the ugliness that they find in the world, simply for being who they are.
ReplyDelete@Sue - I really enjoyed your response, too. I'm only 23 and it shocks me when I see the lack of respect that so many young children have for themselves, each other and those who are more experienced in the world. I think back on the way my parents raised me, and I only appreciate it more and more each day.
I think that bullying is too often ignored and that something has got to change, but involving the government isn't going to solve the problem. There is no sense of accountability anymore; when a child is violent and misbehaves, it's everyone else' fault. I understand that every situation is different, and that people suffer through really tough experiences sometimes. However, we are still beings that are capable of thought and directed, explicit decision-making. My feelings of betrayal, pain and grief about my father's addiction doesn't give me an excuse to be a bad person. Did it suck to learn that about him? Yes. Did a lot of things that I didn't understand when I was younger become clear once I learned about it? Of course. But, I refuse to let that turn me into a monster; I refuse to sit in the corner and cry about it. Everyone makes a choice in the way they are on some level. Whatever life throws at you is never an excuse to do whatever you want just because you can.
In the last couple of days, Molly Wei (the other Rutgers student that was behind the prank that led to a gay student's suicide) came out and said she felt attacked by the media (and everyone else) over what happened. She is part of the reason that a fellow student, a fellow human being took his own life and she feels attacked? It may be a shame that she feels that way, but I have no mercy for her. Her cruel, heartless excuse for a "joke" has cost someone his life. The young man was someone's son, nephew, brother and because of what happened, a family has been robbed. I can't feel bad for someone like Molly Wei, not after what has happened.
I hope that if and when I have children that I can impart to them at least that if you don't make your own decisions, you're ultimately just a pawn. I refuse to let that happen to me.
hey sure thing! I love this btw, and its my pleasure. Keep this going dont give up, take care! ;)
ReplyDeleteVery well written article! Part of my strength now comes from knowing that I didn't do much to protect myself from being tormented in high school. I do not allow anyone to demean anyone else, and I would not allow anyone to demean me at this time in my life.
ReplyDeleteEnick, your prose, your proposition, the case, the certainly hopefilled and hopeful solutions you offer bring tears of hope to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteWell thought out and beautifully written, truly.
What touches me most is your sense of solution.
You offer what in the long run will heal for the long haul....and meanwhile equip children with the right kind of armor...the mental one...the armor of thought leads to action.
What made you write this?
Do you have children of your own?
Would you consider offering some kind of practical training....I'm certain there are thousands of parents who would read this and ask 'show me how? what does that look like" .....so I'm nudging you to go broader with this..maybe even video your instilling these values....and role play what to do when interfacing w/ bullies.
I taught middle school for 10 years prior to becoming a practitioner of spirituality, health and wellbeing...And the ideas I use in my practice originate in a book called Science and Health by Mary Baker Eddy...In it she writes much about parenting and states "Nothing unworthy of perpetuity should be transmitted to children." She writes extensively about how impressionable children are to what is just and right and pure and good.
I'm so beyond grateful to have met your acquaintance via twitter (@tresha) and I look forward to continued dialogue between our blogs and via our tweets. You are a privilege truly to know. :) Please think about continuing this story somehow....:)
It is not only parents, but all adults responsibility to become examples by teaching children the value of respecting others by not participating in "name calling", and laughing in contempt or at the expense of another. We should not only teach them the importance of love of one's self, but understanding, and instilling encouragement in those that are less fortunate. I agree that we (society) “should fight against bullying in every sense of the word by strengthening our minds and the minds of our children. Let's build a community strong enough to with stand the attacks of those that wish to capitalize at our expense. We have always had the chance to make a difference; stop being helpless and step up to the plate."
ReplyDeleteIn recent years, there have been too many suicides from our young people that are due to disrespect, and ignorance of young attackers. This MUST stop. SOCIETY we are all accountable. Don't let your kid become the next victim. Teach him/her the value of not only loving God, and others, but loving themselves.
I recently developed a website that is geared toward instilling a sense of pride, and the importance of self love in our youth. Although it is simple it addresses major issues that are becoming an epidemic. Please visit:
www.i-love-myself.com
We basically mold the future. Kids watch us closer then we really think. Thanks for this post.
ReplyDeletei made a twitition about bullying not many people signed it but i feel that if alot of people signed it and it got around to the right people (celebs and what not) it could get bigg. i agree with the post, and i am 100% against bullying. and just want to help stop it. so please sign my twitition if you see this heres the link http://twitition.com/ekhun
ReplyDeletethanks a bunch @BieberGirlRissx <3
Very well written. I hope a lot of people see this.
ReplyDeleteBullying is an epidemic in our Nation, one that only we can help put a stop to.
Enick, this is one of the most profound and reflective articles I have read on Bullying. Thank you so much for sharing on Twitter.
ReplyDeleteAs a parent of girls, it is my responsibility to teach them resilience, acceptance, uncondtional love and forgiveness. It is also my role to inspire them and empower them to be true to themselves and create a positive impact on those around them.
As adults, we are also susceptible to bullying, in recent weeks, I have been on the receiving end. However, I took a stand and taught those people how to treat me, and that is: I will not tolerate or accept any form of bullying!
We have the responsibility as a society to come together and take a stand on all levels of bullying. It must stop, people are dying, they are taking their own lives to escape the pain!
Wake up people, and accept people for who they are, it doesn't mean you have to agree with their choices!
Thanks again Enick! Great post!
And what do we say when people defend bullies?
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind... we have a society that values "self-determination" and "accepting responsibility", and there are people (offensive, wretched people) who say that the VICTIM should have accepted responsibility, and the perpetrators are the actual victims here, since they're being vilified with an online "lynch-mob" mentality that these sweet kids, Ravi and Mei, don't deserve. Vomit.
"They're just college kids too, you know..." say these wretched evil people.
I was bullied a long time. Now a few of the childhood bullies are actually 'friends' on facebook, not surprisingly they're in the U.S. military, and say that bullying victims need to have thicker skins and better senses of humor.
I find it an outrage. It's not just idiotic... it's not just an asshole trying to get societal permission for being an asshole... it's as basically wrong-minded as one can get.
What do you say to those people? Are they just lost causes?
@ Sebastian -- I think it's interesting that some of the people you knew as bullies are now in the military. Bullying is wrong, no matter how you slice it, but I wonder if it's wrong to say that "not surprisingly" they are in the military. Isn't that a pretty general, overarching statement? I don't think that being in the military requires that you be a bully first; I'm sure that there are some bullies that are in prison now for committing heinous crimes.
ReplyDeleteMy point is that making generalizations can be a horrible and destructive thing to do. There are many sides to one story, and while I sympathize with the fact that you were bullied (I was, too...), I'm not sure that it is fair to paint people a certain way simply because of the experiences that you may have had with them. More than that, I think that a generalization such as "bullies = future soldiers" can add to the problem at hand. The fact of the matter is that bullying is wrong, and whether you like it or not, some of the people that may have been guilty of bullying you are now fighting to ensure that you can sleep at night without fear of your house being blown to bits.
Is bullying an outrageous and unnecessarily cruel behavior? Yes, it is. However, I'm not sure that it warrants the labels that are sometimes placed on it. I know several soldiers: my cousin, boyfriend, uncle and many friends. Just because their profession is inherently violent doesn't necessarily mean that they are that way themselves. In my experience, it is much easier and effective to try and deal with the situation at hand rather than prescribe how people should behave.
Bullying is like rape - they're both about power - wanting it and not being able to get it and resorting to violence (physical, psychological or a combination) to get it. The military attracts a large percentage of people who enjoy violence. Look at the rates of rape in the military - four times that of society in general. The problems with hazing of fellow soldiers and the rape of women in the military is as horrific an epidemic as bullying in our schools and in the workplace.
ReplyDeleteThe worst problem with bullying is how one-sided it is. The victim can't fight back or protect themselves, but the bully can. It's an unfair fight. We can't control how others act, but we can take action ourselves to speak out. I think once parents are the brunt of civil suits and legal action they'll take the issue of bullying seriously. Bullies are psychologically unsound. Many are psychopaths or sociopaths. They have no conscience and won't change.
What has been shown to work is for other people to stand up and speak out against bullies and to defend the person who is being bullied. Those who try to shout us down when we do defend the victim are only bullying and intimidating us in hopes of getting us to shut up. So, blog about it, speak up and speak out. As far as Molly Wei and Ravi? With any luck their lives will be ruined. But at least they have lives - and to whine about "being attacked" is the consequence of being so cruel.
This is a great peace. I agree. I've written a program called "No Such Thing as a Bully" with components for both parents and schools. The program doesn't use the words bully or victim, only bully actions and victim responses, with the understanding that we can all use either of those. The idea is that if every child has strong communication skills, balanced thinking, and the ability to evaluate and change their own thinking and emotions, they become bullyproof. And they also become strong and smart adults. It is also hugely important to give tools to adults that they can pass on to kids. Active tools that they can learn from. We're telling kids to tell adults...but the adults don't know what to do.
ReplyDeleteIf you're not already there, please join us at our 24 Hour bullying awareness drive. http://www.facebook.com/pages/24-Hour-Bully-Stake-Out/150499681635588
Thank you for such a reasoned, thought out stating of the problem. I rage against the pain I see teens and children in...and frequently don't have the words to express myself.
ReplyDelete@geceosan
The parents of the bullies who tormented me as a stuttering kid in Pittsford, N.Y. were generally leaders of the community.
ReplyDeleteToday, I'm still bullied by the same type of sick-os, except now they are all grown up.
As a lawyer practicing in Tampa, Fl. I can say w/o hesitation, the bullies still exist.
In 2005, U.S. Magistrate Elizabeth Jenkins (U.S. Middle District of FL) had such an abnormal prejudice for my stuttering, she openly mocked me and limited me to only 5 minutes to cross-examine witnesses in an admiralty case.
David F. Petrano, Esq.